The Theory of Nothing

So there I was, a fairly untypical evening if I do say so myself.  As I was watching (and finally understanding) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind this incredibly hot 23 year-old, which we shall call Naomi, was giving me the best head I ever got.  I could go into the details of that but I'm pretty sure you don't really care about how the first part of the movie is easily foreshadowing the rest of the story in a subtle way.  At the same time, I was just reaching the final level of Crush on the PSP and I absentmindedly reached out and took a sip of my beer which was inconveniently placed on top of a house of cards.  And I thought to myself: "Why is it that they say that women are better than men at multi-tasking?"

I distinctly remember I had managed to come up with perfectly good proof, complete with example of why that wasn't the case, but at that moment Naomi hung up from the phone and told me: "Here I just made you a sandwich."

And I thought: "Mmmm, sammich," and that's all I remember...

Hi all!!

Now I know it's not really any of my business, but it still doesn't mean that it doesn't directly affect me.  See while others are still wondering what the hell happened to ancient promises like round corners and flying cars, I tend to take a different approach.  The main reason is that most of these promises were made during the Cold War and most of them were made by the Americans in hope of being better than the Russians.  The year 2000 seemed so far away back then.  They had just come out of twenty-something wars in a period where technology was booming, what with the invention of the radar and the computer and all the rest.  Strictly speaking extrapolating on what had been achieved in the previous twenty years or so, it wasn't to far fetched to think we'd be taking our hovercar through the matter transporter into Saturn where we could all run around in our jetpacks and eat a seven course meal in pill form.  Okay, maybe a little far fetched but then again, unless you are a silly romantic American you're not going to really believe that.

And so here we are.  2009.  The only real difference between today and 1999 is that computers are as powerful as 1999 supercomputers, phones are as powerful as 1999 computers and we're in an economic crisis.  I wasn't really expecting a flying car.  I actually don't find the whole concept of flying cars that feasible.  I was hoping, but not expecting.  Now hoverboards!  Yes, we should totally have hoverboards prototypes by now.  But we're not getting them.

The thing is, that really, these failed promises, don't really bug me that much.  I promised myself I'd buy a Jaguar XK8 one day and I'm not even considering it any more.  The salesman at Galaxy Electronics in Tottenham Court Road promised me the netbook is perfectly fine to use and that I wouldn't find a cheaper deal in all of London but that didn't turn out so well either.  I promised myself that I wouldn't write a wall of text and I haven't even got to the point yet but anyway.

The point is I stumble.  A lot.  I'm addicted to stumbling.  I have over 32000 stumbles and counting and besides porn and flash games under my selected categories I happen to have science, which I tend to find interesting.  Many new discoveries are made every single day, which made me realize one thing.  Things are discovered every day, and they promise cars which run on seawater or compressed air.  Television sets within contact lenses.  Bone fractures healed in minutes.  OLED paper as cheap newspapers. 

Now keep this in mind.  These.  Have.  Been.  Already.  Discovered.  They know how to make them.  Then why the bloody hell don't we have them by now?  I remember way before SSDs were introduced, some technology which allowed up to 40gigabytes to be saved on to a 1x1cm die.  Today you just get a bloody blu-ray which takes three years to load the loading screen of a game.  Technology to transfer up to 5 gigabytes over a wire in one second.  What happened to that?  Takes me some 10 seconds to load GMail on my 20Mbit connection. 

What do they do with this technology?  Do they just go: "Oh, okay, it can be done! On to the next project.  We'll look back into this some other time"?  Why do our cars still need petrol or diesel to run?  Why is it that some high school student found a bacteria that degenerates plastic but we have to pay €0.35 per bag when we go to the supermarket?  Just stop wasting money on research which won't be used.  It really isn't that hard to grasp.  They just keep raising my hopes.  Daily.  I think: "Oh cool! In a couple of years I'll be able to charge my mobile phone wirelessly because they've just discovered power over wireless.  And here I am, two years later, carrying my charger around all the time because it can't even hold a charge for more than 18 hours.

Idiots.

The truth is, that in reality, superpowers aren't as awesome as they've been hyped up to be.  Some of them are, but let's assume you can shoot beams out of your eyes, that means that when you're saving a damsel in distress from your evil arch nemesis, you're probably gonna give her 3rd degree burns on her massive tits or sweet ass.  Which doesn't really make you much of a hero.  Super strength?  One sneeze and you would have to buy new furnitures.  Elastic body? Penile dysfunction. Mutant spider powers?  Take off your shoes every time you want to scale a building. 

Why am I telling you this, you may ask?  Well, I'm going to let you in on a secret.  I have superpowers - I can turn invisible.  It sucks.  Let me explain some physics to you guys. 

• Light travelling, hits object, object is made visible. 
  
• Light travelling, doesn't really hit me, keeps travelling, I am invisible.
• Light travelling, hits inside of eye, receptors of eye interpret the light, you get vision.

So, by drawing a conjecture, you can probably see what my greatest problem is.  Light passes through me, therefore it never hits my eye, therefore I can't see jack shit when I'm invisible.  So, no, I cannot use my invisibility to spy on the girls while having a shower.  That pretty much makes the whole 'superpower' useless. I rarely use it anyway.  I tend to not speak or make any sound when I am invisible.  The main reason is to not freak people out. I did try to run away from a clingy woman who just wouldn't let me leave once by turning myself invisible and darting to the door.  I broke one of her vases and cut my hand really deeply.  In fact I have a huge scar on my right hand.  Luckily it's invisible.

Anyway, you know my secret now.  So remember, if you open my room suddenly and see porn playing on the PC, I'm probably actually there, but you guys startled me and I turned my self invisible.

While we were never known as the 'industrious bunch' per sé it has come to my attention that as time goes by, the group in general gets lazier.  The usual not getting anything done is now somewhat a standard but it has hit me that this laziness has hit a new extreme low, or high actually.  It has invaded the territory of romance.

Well basically, while my effect of laziness over romance seems to have taken the easy way out, what with me giving up on the whole idea since it doesn't work for me, I have noticed that this is quite a general trend throughout the world as seen in the following graph:



However, it has come extremely fashionable for those who actually do have anything going on, to have chosen the simplest (or laziest if you must) way out by simply nabbing someone who is conveniently from your current workplace. 

While this has been going on for a while I have realized that in fact, from my current group of people I tend to generally hang out with only one is non-single and disobeying the above observation.

Well bravo to you all - and yes I'm writing this because I'm alone and unloved :(

(Also, cause there are no hot chicks at my workplace :( )

While on my daily mission to stumble upon what has been added to the internets, I came across (or stumbled if you must) a page in which the some foundation ask people about the Big Questions.  Does the universe have a purpose?  Well, I have never pondered upon that question myself but it is somewhat close to what Deep Thought was looking for when finding the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.  Sure, the question posed here is much simpler, requiring only a yes/no answer, but still, do you think there is a purpose to this universe?

Was it only created (the whole immensely huge thing) just so that a particular rock which just happens to be the third closest planet to a particular star could form life over billions of years just so that we could start wars and tear each other apart.  Well, probably yes, but then again, probably no.  What am I saying?  I have no idea to be honest, but I'm trying to flesh out the blog entry since I am pretty sure that I have in fact found the purpose of the universe.  I have conducted extensive research, cross examined evidence, analyzed data and I have reached the conclusion that the universe was created for one purpose. 

The purpose of the universe is to screw with me.

As you all who know me know, I enjoy sitcoms quite a bit.  Unfortunately for me, while I still find them to be teh funnies, it is somewhat disappointing to see the same ideas recycled throughout all sitcoms because you know exactly what's going to happen.  Furthermore the layout, setting, actors and actions of these sitcoms tend to converge and here I will show you how this is so.

1. Every sitcom needs to have the at least 4 of following characters:  the geek, the idiot, the weirdo, the spoilt and the player.  Any one character can be more of these, most commonly having the player being an idiot.
2. Beer is never drunk at home - never.  As soon as a character enters into a kitchen, s/he immediately grabs a beer, opens it using the twist action and has a sip.  Something will then come up and the beer is left there and they go out or start doing something else.
3. Romantic dinners are never eaten.  Irrespective of how much effort was taken to prepare the meal any romantic dinner will be bit into and then immediately one of the following things happen:
   • The couple have an argument and one of them storms out,
   • They start getting kinky and 'proceed to dessert' immediately.
4. Whenever someone is having a baby, one parent wants to know the sex of the baby, and the other doesn't.  Always.  Throughout the episode everyone will start finding out one by one and at the end the parent who didn't want to find out finds out. 
   
5. A stupid, senseless proposal always occurs some time throughout the series.  The answer will most probably be a surprising one.  Furthermore, rings are ingested waaaaaay too often.
6. Death/divorce of one of the main character's parents will happen at some point in the series.  That's the way life is.
7. People regularly put their feet with shoes on sofas/beds.  No body seems to mind.  Not even the neat freak character.
   
8. People only eat on one side of the table.
9. People always call from aeroplanes.  Using their cell.  Furthermore, one can be accompanied to the gate at airports.  Apparently the duty free section and the baggage claim is open to everyone who feels like visiting an airport.  You never pass through security at airports.
10. At least one main character will have a severely strange relationship with one his parents, usually his mother.  The parent in question will either be too flirtatious in front of their child and/or is always putting their child and/or partner down.
11. When a couple has an argument, one of them runs out the door and leaves the room/building.  Their significant other will never follow them but turn back and rub his/her face.
12. Some mention of StarWars is mentioned.
13. One of the main characters will always hook up with a person who has a pet.  This pet will always hate said character and will be horrible to deal with.  Most of the times the animal ends up at the vet.
14. At one point, someone will not be able to pee but as soon as sound of flowing water is heard piss will start coming out uncontrollably.
15. During the show there will always be at least one breakup where the person being dumped doesn't realize it happened.  The rest of the cast has to explain how "it's not you, it' me" means that it's not her, but you.
16. Birthdays are always forgotten.  If they are remembered, they will require a surprise party.  In this party they will all yell surprise at the wrong person, and then they get distracted and the actual birthday person just walks in.  Either that or a huge argument/embarrassing situation in the dark and then the lights turn on to show several people hidden who whisper: "Surpr...ise?"
17. The last two seasons will suck.  Always.
    

In this boring mundane life everyone reaches a point in life where everything is just a routine.  You get up, you go to work, you wait for the break, go eat from the usual two or three places, return the work, leave work, go home, go grab a beer, complain that there is no beer in the fridge, sit in front of the TV, play Rockband, eat, watch Friends, go the sleep.  It gets slightly sadder when you take a higher view into the same life and zoom out from one day to one week.  Monday - work, Tuesday - work, Wednesday - work, Thursday - work, Friday - work, go home, go out, get drunk, argue with your best friend, go home, Saturday - wake up late, splitting headache, eat pastizzi from Jeffs, stay curled up all day, propose going out, stay in, sleep.  Sunday - Jubilee, Rockband, Friends, sleep.

And that's pretty much it.  Life as I experience it.  Not that I have anything to complain about, but, really, when you look at it this way you realize that there is nothing really going on which is extraordinary.  Luckily for us, we have a great asset at our disposal.  And while I could've just move on directly to the topic at hand, which is the true asset I am referring to, I have chosen to use the aforementioned asset to refer to the 'spice of life' which we all know and love.  And with that we reach imagination, the main topic, or theme, if you like, of this entry. 

Imagination is a wonderful thing.  Not only has it given us (I literally mean us, the author and his friends, not us, the human population of the world) exciting products such as the E³B (electronic belly button brush) and "just add water girl-satchets" (which allows you to live your wildest dreams simply by adding water to a satchet which in turn forms a beautiful woman which will dissolve some hour or so later), but it has given us tons of laughs by imagining what it would've been like if the post office opened a package which contained 100% pure vacuum and what it would be like to be trapped in an apartment doing illegal things when a swat team bursts in to arrest you.

Sure some of these things may have been slightly over-exaggeration.  Actually, all of these things were only exaggerations of some previous train of thought which derailed and crashed into an symposium of relativistic scientists.  Which brings us to time travel.  The funnest part about time travel is not only the escapades you would do with your younger self, but mostly the speculations as to what would have happened if only a minor detail were to be changed in what has previously happened.  How different would my life be if I hadn't taken the car out the first day I got my licence?  Or if I had managed to cheat just a little better and got a 45 in the exam which was basically the reason why I got thrown out of university.  Or if the sun wasn't to hot that fateful day.

Threading into stranger grounds, what if we only changed a minor detail in this life, or in the universe.  Simply disregarding a simple law of physics or biology.  If only bacon grew on trees, ah, what a wonderful world that would be.  If only we could really have superpowers.  I'm not talking about having superstrength and x-ray vision, but minor changes like being able to know time instinctively or visualize music.  Well, that is what imagination is for.  It is mostly a speculative exercise - but an awesome one none-the-less. 

And so I will leave you with this.  What if I hadn't done this entry today?  Would you respect me more? (depends if respect can go into negative levels because 0 - 10 would still be 0)  Or would you still be missing the dry period this blog has had in the past month?  I don't know son, I don't...know...